I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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