No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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