So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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