wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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