I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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