I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize