remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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