More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
