the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
