cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
