She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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