Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize