The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
