moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
