My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
