we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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