i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
