Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
