this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
