bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
