youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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