**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just had sex on a roof
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
