the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
