my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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