She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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