it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
