i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize