I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
