twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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