We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
