Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize