dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
