Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
