dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
so much tequila, so little girl.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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