I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
