Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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