Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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