I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You are the jesus of drinking
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
