I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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