i think my tv is drunk
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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