I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
third nipple confirmed
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize