I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Randomize
