I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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