if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
