Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
