dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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