I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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