just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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