My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize