My first STD was from a foam party
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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