Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
