were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
