we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My cat gives me a boner
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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