Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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