goodnight i made you a song goodbye
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
