I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
