shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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