you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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