she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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