3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize