Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
