Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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