apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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