I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
