So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
